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Anger and bargaining. You may lash out at people you love or become angry with yourself. Or you might try to "strike a bargain" with a higher power, asking that the loss be taken away in exchange for something on your part. Renowned psychologist Dr. Nathaniel Branden wrote about a woman he once treated who grew up thinking she was “bad” and undeserving of kindness, respect, or happiness. Predictably, she married a man who “knew” he was unlovable and felt consumed by self-hatred. He protected himself by acting cruelly toward others before they could be cruel to him. She didn’t complain about his abuse because she “knew” that abuse was her destiny. He wasn’t surprised by her increasing withdrawal and remoteness from him, because he “knew” no one could ever love him. They endured twenty years of torture together, proving how right they were about themselves and about life.3 Verywell Mind articles are reviewed by board-certified physicians and mental healthcare professionals. Medical Reviewers confirm the content is thorough and accurate, reflecting the latest evidence-based research. Content is reviewed before publication and upon substantial updates. Learn more. In Never Get Angry Again, he reveals how to see anger through a comprehensive, holistic lens, illuminates the underlying emotional, spiritual, and physical components of anger, and gives the readers simple, practical tools to snuff out anger before it even occurs. Never Get Angry Again PDF
Let’s face it: if anger-management techniques were effective, you wouldn’t be reading this book. These clumsy attempts to maintain calmness are usually futile and sometimes emotionally draining. The fact is, either something bothers us (causing anxiety, frustration, or anger), or it doesn’t. A state of calm is better accomplished by not becoming agitated in the first place. When we fight the urge to blow up or melt down, we fight against our own nature. One of the points that Liberman put out that I really liked were 5 steps that were most useful in dealing with anger: While the question may seem to contradict human nature and maybe even seem like an unrealistic proposition, what makes the difference, David J. Lieberman says, is perspective. This is a useful book that can essentially be summed up as "have low expectations and you'll never get p***ed." It gets very religious in chapers 11-13 so skip those if you're like me and found it trite and just simply annoying. If you're into that, probably not enough, or specific enough to keep you interested. Go read the book of Solomon and you'll get the same info, because that's basically where all the quotes originate. Anger releases a stress hormone called cortisol. Long-term elevated cortisol levels have a detrimental effect on us, both physically and mentally. Specifically, cortisol damages cells in the hippocampus and results in impaired learning. In the short term, cortisol interferes with our ability to think and process information. Or, to put it another way, getting angry actually makes us dumb. Biochemically, anger, as we know, initiates the fight-or-flight response and the production of adrenaline, which reroutes blood flow away from the brain, and with it oxygen, which further muddles our thinking.
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Wisdom is one of the most powerful by-products of emotional health, and it gives us the capacity and fortitude to see the situation objectively and then respond calmly and logically, rather than allowing anger to corrupt our observation, assessment, judgment, and conduct. Our servers are getting hit pretty hard right now. To continue shopping, enter the characters as they are shown People never do exactly what we want them to, so stop expecting them too, and you won't get upset with them." When, through our choices and life decisions, we don’t like who we have become, we often seek to escape our feelings through excessive behaviors, endless entertainment, and even abusive behaviors. Eventually, as Lieberman writes, “our willingness to endure short-term pain for long-term gain wanes.”
Our need for reality to conform to our self-image comes at a psychological and physiological price. Cognitive dissonance, the tension that arises from holding two contradictory positions at once, causes the reasoning areas of our brain to shut down and forces us to edit the world around us to avoid threats to our ego. The book comes straight to the point where Lieberman mentions categorically that to eliminate anger from one’s life, one should see the context, or perspective, or situation that angers a person. We as rational individuals can then see the situation for what it really is rather than what our ‘Egos’ dictate to us. Thus, this book helps one redraw boundaries, quash personality conflicts, and navigate complex relationships to maintain or reclaim one’s sanity and eradicate the breeding ground for anger and frustration. Lieberman is clear; when a person is angry, it means he is close to losing his sanity – which in this book is indicative that a person is losing the ability to see, accept, and respond to his world, which is indeed a loss of nothing else but perspective. There is an acute awareness of our humanness in this stage of grieving; when we realize that there is nothing we can do to influence change or create a better end result. We should note that people often mistake confidence for self-esteem, but the two are quite different. Confidence is how effective we feel within a specific area or situation, while self-esteem is defined as how much we recognize our inherent worth and feel deserving of happiness and good fortune. Self-esteem is shaped by the quality of our choices rather than by the assets at our disposal. A person who attempts to fortify his self-image by taking pride in a specific trait may exhibit signs of high self-esteem to the untrained eye, but, in fact, such an individual often suffers from low self-esteem, because all he has is an inflated ego. When we suffer from low self-esteem, we’re often afraid that something bad will happen to us after something good occurs in our lives. When fortune unexpectedly smiles on us, we feel anxious because of our sense of unworthiness. To alleviate our emotional tension, we might even sabotage our success so that we can fulfill our personal prophecy: The world is as we predicted. We feel secure because our beliefs—no matter how damaging and distorted—have been reaffirmed. We will be right, even if it kills us.
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Various techniques will help us succeed in controlling our anger, but they can’t create awareness. Only the complete recognition of the apparatus—and the foolishness and futility—of anger will organically motivate us to keep our calm. For this reason, the first several sections of this book are descriptive; they explain the psychological dynamics of anger and of human nature. The latter sections are prescriptive, offering a range of psychological tools and techniques to win the ground war. But do not underestimate the power of understanding the enemy, anger. In any anger-provoking situation, we would love to ask ourselves, Why am I really getting angry? But of course, we can’t ask the question because we aren’t thinking; we are only feeling. At that moment, nobody’s home, and this is the fatal flaw in the tradition of anger management. However, when we wholly embrace the answer to this question with every fiber of our being before the situation arises, even when we lose perspective, the truth is baked into our very nature, and a calm and controlled response becomes second nature. David J. Lieberman understands that a change in perspective is all that is needed to help keep from flying off the handle. In Never Get Angry Again, he reveals how to see anger through a comprehensive, holistic lens, illuminates the underlying emotional, spiritual, and physical components of anger, and gives the readers simple, practical tools to snuff out anger before it even occurs. Self-acceptance can also transform our perspectives on the past, learn to forgive, live authentically and chose to respond calmly irrespective of our own or other's emotional states. Each time we sacrifice what is responsible because we can’t rise above the whims of an impulse or sell ourselves out to win the praise or approval of others, we lose self-respect. When we routinely succumb to immediate gratification or live to protect and project an image, we become angry with ourselves and ultimately feel empty inside. To quiet the unconscious gnawing that says, I don’t like me, we do whatever we can to feel good. We long to love ourselves, but instead we lose ourselves. Unable to invest in our own well-being, we spiral downward to the hollow, self-destructive refuge of activities that take us away from the pain: excessive eating, alcohol or drug abuse, and meaningless diversions and excursions. These ethereal delights mask our self-contempt, and because the happiness we seek instead results in greater pain, we descend further into despair—and into hiding.
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